Pre-July Jitters: Why I need to Win

I guess I am also afraid of not winning. Also stems from commitment, I guess.

I am afraid to hit the 30k slump and instead of surmounting it, give up.

The only reason I have that fear is because I have given up too many times. If I never gave up, I would have nothing to fear because how can my own experience lie? If I had never given up, my own experience would have been: I have won NaNo every time I tried.

Not to berate my past self. I found a draft on this blog from 2015. It was like “I won’t hit 50k because I’m stressed” or something. It was really sad. I was clearly not doing okay in 2015. I mean, I am still not entirely “okay” but it’s summer and I don’t have classes and I don’t have to get into college so it should be fine.

image of little  gold cup , concept for winning or success

I want to win NaNo this year because I need to. November will probably be really hard. The school year will probably be really hard. But honestly? It is only hard if I think spending 14-28 hours less on social media/television/streaming/???? per week is hard. Because I really hope I don’t spend 4 hours on social media a day, but combining with when I watch tv while I eat, and when I wake up and do my social media run, and then even today in between starting and finishing this blog post, I spent like 90 minutes scrolling through someone’s twitter, because it was really funny. It was just retweeting Student Problems and Random White Girl Problems or whatever, those popular meme twitter accounts that have thousands (millions?) of followers and honestly it was so awkward because I accidentally liked a really old retweet. I really hope he didn’t get that notification but whatever.

If this goes well, I could do NaNo in August. School doesn’t start till late. If I didn’t want to do it in school, I wouldn’t have to do it in September. But that would be the be easiest month to do it October to December would probably be really hard.

But no matter what I decide to do, I have to win in July. I have to get another win on my record because I can. It’s just a matter of if I will or not. And I don’t want to

Honestly, I want this to go super well so I can finish all the other novels I started. Because even if I don’t do them in August or September, I could do them next summer, May to August. Because they are worth finishing! They were so good that when I got to the part where I stopped writing, I was so mad because I wanted to read more. I wanted to know what happened next. What more could you ask for in a story? That’s not just the bare minimum of a good story, that is a good story.


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