I guess I have more specific fears than “commitment.” They definitely all stem from that, though.
For example, I am so afraid of what I will do when I “run out of ideas.” Or “lose steam.” Or hit that 30k slump and all of that.
But like isn’t everybody? What else is new?
It’s true, I have given up too many times. It’s also true that if I didn’t have a good reason, I wouldn’t have? I think stress is a good reason. Health comes first. Laziness and just not wanting to isn’t a good reason but at the same time, if I really didn’t want to write it, then I shouldn’t.
The thing is, for me, it’s not one of those cases, so it is kind of bad that I didn’t push through. But I should train myself to push through. That’s a reason I have to win. I have to show myself that I am someone who writes novels because that’s who I want to be. The only reason I am not who I want to be is because I Just don’t do it. It’s just that simple.
I mean, there’s other mental health issues and putting too much pressure on myself and not loving myself, but I can’t wait for that to “get better” before chasing my dream. I have to chase my dream so that I am who I want to be on the outside, and hopefully who I need to be on the inside just shapes up as a result of that.
I am not sure if that’s exactly how that works, but it sounds good. It seems legit.
I am going in “blind” (I say, as I have ~30 pages of handwritten notes ???) (Am I even going to have time to look at those in July). I know like four basic plot points (get together with Not the Right Guy, break up, get together with The Right Guy.) Oh, so that’s only three. And I thought of a new way to derail the story, so that’s exciting. I don’t know whether it’s cheap, but does it matter? All I am doing is getting to 50k. If the protagonist dates 9 guys before The Right Guy, then that’s only 5k per guy. I could do that. I have written 5k fanfiction before. It’s doable. It’s a thing I can do. And in theory there is other stuff happening other than guy stuff. Like girl stuff. Like in a gay way possibly but also in a friendship way. Who knows. Not me. Because I didn’t plan beyond…the crazy “planning” that I did.
Maybe I did some outlining and some creating characters and stuff but I did not outline. Because an idol of mine hates outlining, as I have mentioned in a previous post.
Specifically, what I am scared of within that 30k are normal writer things like, what should the characters do next? How do I create more problems for them? What if I run out of ideas? What if I stop loving the characters?
All fears that just do not seem like legitimate enough reasons to quit NaNo or writing in general. The mind is endless. One does not “run out of ideas.” And it’s NaNo so you can do whatever you want with your novel. You don’t have to write something perfect or good. I guess it would be nice if I didn’t like start writing a completely different novel halfway through, but honestly, if all the same characters are present, then why not? It might be a “different novel” but it’s also figuring out what you wanted to write in the first place, and narrowing your focus, and just learning about yourself, your writing, the characters, the setting, the plot, everything.
The bottom line this year for me is there is nothing to lose in winning NaNo. There is nothing to lose in putting my head down and working hard through the difficult portions of NaNo. But there is everything to gain from winning. Self confidence. Committing to myself and my writing career. (No matter how fledgling or fetus-like it may be.)