I have been having mixed feeling lately. “Mixed” might be an overarching euphemism for “negative.” Exams just have that effect on you–if you let them. I have been letting them, unfortunately.
And those feelings have permeated to my writing. I had a writing drought which felt like years, but it was only a few weeks. I think I’m back “on my groove,” now, after a very long time. The next 4 weeks of schooling will be the death of all my energy and willpower, but then summer break will come and will hopefully replenish everything.
In the mean time, I really want to find time to write. I don’t care about editing. I am scared of it. I know that if I must succeed, I must edit. But I am not concerned with success right now. I want to have fun.
The rest of my life sucks, is menial, is too demanding. Until I consider writing “work,” I do not want to have to suffer for it.
If that is self-serving, as opposed to serving my craft, then I’m okay with that right now. I have problems serving myself in any form, even if I desparately need it. I am used to holding out on myself and punishing myself, and there’s really no need for that. And until I love myself, I cannot safely force myself to suffer for my craft, or for anything.
So that is why I will take this year, from now until May 2016, and I will write many stories. I will write (an average of) a story a week. I will read (an average of) a book a week. I will mature as a person and a writer. I will be honing my craft (perhaps at a glacial rate) but progress is progress, nevertheless.
Because right now, how can I edit my pieces to be better, if I am the exact same person how, as I was when I wrote the piece? How can I see what’s wrong with it, how can I figure out how to make it better? Assuming I tried my best on the rough draft, how can I do more than my best in the editing process?
Unless my best gets better. I have to raise the ceiling on my talent and skill.
And that takes time. The majority of my favorite fanfiction authors are in college. (I am assuming.) Though I have met writers in high school that are phenomenally amazing, I am not like that. So I must keep hope for myself, that I may improve in later years.
If there is not hope, then what is there? One day, maybe I will accept that having fun for myself is okay, and even if my writing is bad, if I have fun, then it was worth it. It was enough.