I had a really rough week last week. I didn’t go to school for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or the next Monday. I’m glad I took the time off because I got myself back on track and it was important to slow down and rethink how I was motivating myself and how I was living my life in general.
Self motivation shouldn’t come from saying harmful things to oneself. It’s not motivating, it’s mean. And I am glad I caught myself and am really making an effort to be nicer to myself before I drove myself into a hole and decided to never come out and write again. That would be bad. I do really love writing. As you all already know. Writing is one of the few things that bring me joy other than UK basketball and spending time with friends. In fact, those three things are the only things that are fun to me. Writing, spending time with friends, watching UK basketball, and watching TV shows. TV shows are a kind of shallow joy to me, so I guess I shouldn’t really count it.
The point is, I have to work on my internal motivation. I am almost exclusively motivated by external factors. My internal motivation doesn’t work because I am mean to myself. So, while I am very self driven, it’s only until the breaking point, which is when I can’t take anymore of my own ire and hate and I just break down.
And again, I never want that to happen to 33% of my writing. And UK basketball is only from like December through March, right? What about April through November? That’s 75% of the year! I need writing 100% of the year so that I can be happy 100% of the year.
#writechain is helping me write everyday. Sometimes I can only write the bare minimum of 200 words, and sometimes the words are just in my “planning” document, which as I learned from Michelle, isn’t real writing. Though I have no idea which post I read that in. I know that it was her blog, though, and one of her posts, because it affected me so greatly.
I never want to suck the fun out of writing. I never want to be so mean to myself, so self critical of my own writing, that I stop writing completely. Some people are discouraged by others instead of by themselves. For those people, I want to say, definitely don’t let that happen! Yeah, other people have their opinions about what good writing is, and how writing should be done, and all writers need feedback from an outside perspective (it’s imperative). Don’t try to do anything without getting a second opinion. But, if someone is so mean that they make a writer want to quit writing, then that person should never offer feedback to anyone ever again. It’s a balance between having a “thick skin” (as my dad would always say) and being aware of when someone is just being toxic.
For me, I’m toxic to myself. I’m trying to work on that. In the mean time, I need writing to continue to be my primary hobby. Writing is my safe place. When my real life sucks, I can go into a fictional world and make someone else’s life suck. The point is, I’m in control. I’m in control of my story. If I want it to suck (quality wise) then that’s fine because it’s some kind of rough draft and those are allowed to suck. I control what my characters do and feel and say and it’s awesome. It’s good. Writing is really, really good therapy for me, probably. Writing is great for everyone. (Not true, but at the same time, I love writing, so I am going to say that.)
I’m really glad I am getting my life together because I do love writing. It makes me happy when things come together. I like the challenges that writing provides and I like overcoming those challenges. I hope that in the future my writing can bring as much joy to others as it brings to me.