Every story has a pivotal moment. The moment that defines the story. The moment that is literally the most important part of the story, that everything else in the book leads up to. I realize that this might sometimes be called a climax, but sometimes defining a climax is hard. Actually, it probably shouldn’t be–if an author is skilled, I guess all the parts of a story should be easily identifiable. I don’t know. All I know if that in my Selene story, the pivotal moment of the entire story, the most important defining moment of the story, is when Selene and Sam finally confess to each other.
And I don’t want to write it.
I think this blog is just documenting how much I don’t want to write, but I still struggle against inertia and fear to write. Idk.
Writing is my life. If I stop writing, I stop living. I can’t just stop writing.
Even if I “stop writing,” if I don’t have time to write, or whatever it is, I will still have story ideas. Once someone’s brain is wired like an author–always looking for story ideas, even subconsciously, always dreaming, daydreaming, imagining, aspiring, you can’t get back from that. You can’t backtrack. It’s like train tracks that you can’t just get the train control station to change the guides on the tracks to turn east instead of west. Once a writer, always a writer.
So, I have to persevere through this writing, too.
I have to write this pivotal scene.
Like it’s going to suck in its first form. In it’s final form, probably 0% of the words I write today for the pivotal scene will be the final hopefully published version of the scene.
I have to write it to know what is wrong about it. If I don’t write it I will never know what I want it to be. If I just leave it, then I will never know what I want it to be. If I write it, then I can process of elimination it out.
I mean how long does it take to take a rough draft to publication. Like 10 years? If you’re lucky and actually get accepted? So I have 10 years to figure out the perfect scene. And figure out what this story actually means. And…
Change is good. Don’t be afraid of change. It’s okay if your story changes. It will probably change for the better, anyway. And don’t worry about “time wasted.” You had to go through that process to get to where you are now. That’s my problem. I think that my time is so valuable that I have to spew out a perfect final draft on the first try. That is not me. That is not anyone. I don’t even have a plot for this story, much less an idea for it. I have a feeling for it. That’s it. Feelings change. Feelings evolve.
Evolving is good to. It’s a good way to think of change. It’s not just being replaced by something totally new. It’s changing. Like a Pokemon. My favorite Pokemon, Empoleon, started out as a tiny Piplup, little fluffy, and it only knew the move Tackle and Bubble. It was Level 5 when I got it, I believe.
And now? After hours–and hours–and more hours of training, and loyalty, and blood, sweat and tears, and strained eyes, and losses, and many wins, my Empoleon is Level 100, the highest level a pokemon can be in the Pearl game. My Empoleon knows steel wing, hydro pump, hydro canon, and drill peck. It has come so far from being a little baby Piplup who couldn’t defeat a grass type pokemon.
I am getting really emotional about pokemon.
That’s what writing is, too. Even if it seems like a rough draft has to be completely overhauled and you have to start from fresh, there’s nothing like that. The original idea is there. The fervor and love of writing is always within the writer, and the writer’s quirks and life experience is always with the writer, meaning that the writer can always re-ground, regroup, and find themselves in their writing.
Change is good. Progress is good. I have to let myself progress and change. I cannot be afraid.